"Touch"

“Touch” (iTunes) is the fifth song in my Atlas: Year Two series. It's also the first of five songs written for the Senses theme - a song for each of the five classical senses, in the order they develop inside the womb: Touch, Taste, Smell, Hearing and Sight. I spent a lot of time thinking through what “touch” sounds like, and what instruments most represent the sense of touch. My first thought: drums. No question. They are certainly the most visceral instrument I could think of, and require the most intense contact. But after thinking further, the piano might actually be most deeply related instrument to our sense of touch. You use all of your fingertips (one of the most touch receptive parts of our body) and at least one foot to play it. The piano has so many different mechanisms of contact: keys, hammers, pads, damper pedal, etc. A single key pressed, sends a domino effect through the piano to form a single strike of the piano strings, which are pulled to a tension that can exceed 40 tons. (crazy). And if built well, the piano was made to precisely account for every type of human touch we can throw at it. Even down to the aftertouch of pressing a key. I suppose if the Piano was a caress, the Drums would be a sturdy high-five. So I chose to use both.

I did a lot of research on the sense of touch before writing this song, and was so fascinated by what I learned. There seem to be endless possibilities of poetry in the sense of touch, so I had a tough time picking a path. One fact in particular stood out to me; Unlike any of the other 5 senses, you can't shut down your sense of touch. Hearing: you can cover your ears, sight: you can close your eyes, taste: you can choose to not eat something, smell: you can close your nose. But for the majority of people, touch is always on. It’s so on in fact, that we train our brains to filter out less important touch information because it’s so overwhelming (an example: if you’re sitting right now, you most likely aren’t thinking about how the chair feels underneath you, or if you’re standing, how the floor feels against your feet. You’ve learned to tune it out.) Also, Touch is considered to be the mother of all senses and is "extraordinarily important for development, both cognitive and a healthy body" (- David Linden) So as I was trying to figure out what this song should be about, those pieces of information kept ringing in my ears.

Inspired by those facts, I began to imagine what it might feel like to lose the sense of touch. As I wrote, I quickly realized that the metaphor of losing one’s sense of touch is a deeply dark experience, and this song got a little uncomfortably personal for me (which I’ll explain in greater detail below) - I decided that this song should reflect that and be a little uncomfortable too, both lyrically and musically. So I wrote the music as a broken lullaby of sorts.. The piano is sort of like a wobbly music box, the melody is kind of sweet at its core, but it’s also a little broken. I recorded everything as close and intimate as possible. You won’t hear any reverb or room atmosphere for the majority of the song. I wanted the production to feel vulnerable.

It’s easy to confuse the sense of touch with emotional “feelings,” which are two very different things (touch is information, and feelings are what are brains do with the information), but since touch is the most emotional of all of the fives senses, I decided to blend the two concepts together in the lyrics.

At first this song was going to be a work of fiction about a character losing his/her sense of touch. As I imagined what that must feel like, I realized I was actually writing an intensely personal song. I've gone through seasons of my life where I've felt like I was stuck in between joy and sorrow. A purgatory of sorts, where I wasn't present and enjoying the good in my life, but also not fully processing or feeling the bad either. Just numb. It's a terrible state to be in, because by eliminating pain, we eliminate the possibility of joy. Over the last couple years, I've fallen into that heart-space on and off. I don't like it. Honestly, I process it indirectly in all of my song writing to some extent, but it all pooled together in the lyrics of this song.

when will i feel this as vivid as it truly is

That opening lyric set the tone for the entire song, as it sums up what's wrong and what needs to be fixed. The question and the answer. I chose words throughout the song like "vivid," "volume", etc. The idea here is that since touch is the "mother of all senses" I wanted to tell this story using words that are related to senses outside of touch.

can we skip past near-death clichés where my heart restarts, as my life replays? all i want is to flip a switch before something breaks that cannot be fixed.

The "near-death cliché" lyric is fairly obvious as to what it means- I want to avoid having to nearly lose it all to have some great realization. I liked the idea that this song is open-hearted and a calling out for help, but it also accepts and acknowledges that things could be so much worse, if I let the glue dry. These lyrics also remind me not to be lazy in my efforts to fix the broken things in me... "all I want is to flip a switch," to me, that's almost like praying for lessons to not be learned, which is kind of unreasonable and lazy! Though it's what I want, these words remind me that healing is hard and necessary work.

rain or shine, i don’t feel a thing, just some information upon my skin. i miss the subtle aches when the weather changed, the barometric pressure we always blamed.

Because the weather is such a multi-sensory experience, I chose to use a lot of weather imagery in this song. You'll also notice a theme of machinery as well: Weather represents the experiences outside of our control, and Machinery represents our responses to it. I liked that idea. (Side note: the lyric about barometric pressure is actually an inside joke between my wife and I. Early on in our relationship she would get small headaches and would always say that they were from the barometric pressure. I always teased her and said I didn't believe her. Turns out she was totally right. Jokes on me.)

In the chorus, pain is a well-intentioned weatherman predicting God as best he can

In addition to weaving in those weather and machinery themes, this lyric acknowledges that the design of pain is an important warning system. I am not a fan of pain, but pain truly is one of the greatest gifts we were given, as it keeps us safe and alive. I'm a fan of that!

“the sirens sound, just before the walls come down”

A couple months ago, we began some home remodeling/construction, and right before it began, I had a few weeks of feeling pretty burned out and numb. So this lyric is a reference to that "siren" sounding right before the construction on our house began. More obviously, it's a reference to terrible weather, tornado sirens (especially here in Illinois!), etc. Side note: the violins play a siren-esque line several times throughout the song to reflect this lyric.

Speaking of violins, my amazingly talented pal, Joanna Hui recorded all of the violins you hear on this song. Similar to how we approached violins on "Daughter," I told her to just come on over to the studio and I'll just explain some vague ideas and press record and see what happens. She did such a lovely job and I feel like the strings on this song embody the struggle and beauty I wrote about in the lyrics.

So I recorded this song in my home studio during the remodeling/construction, which was happening right above me. Constant hammering, sawing, drilling, etc. After days of almost losing my marbles, I decided that I should just go with it, so the drums you hear in the big chorus towards the end of the song are layered with those construction noises. A dozen or so tracks of real demolition right above my studio: smashing, walls breaking, hammering, drilling, etc. All edited into kick drums and snare layers. I thought that was a fun way to capture the environment that this song was written in. It also felt fitting with the lyrics - a song about needing remodeling.

Though this is a sad, vulnerable and slightly uncomfortable song about feeling numb and without the sense of touch, it has a happy ending. The final lyric:

down my arms, a thousand satellites suddenly discover signs of life.

Those words are answered prayer. The character in this song began to feel again. Not too long ago, I began to feel again. This lyric means a lot to me because it is also a subtle reference to one of my favorite feelings in the universe: The shivers, the chills (or a more terrible word, goosebumps) - the feeling of experiencing something non-physical in a physical way. That's actually what got me hooked into writing songs. As a kid, I was so confused and fascinated that a song could move me and actually make my skin react. So I set out with that as my songwriting rule. With every song I write, I must experience the shivers/the chills at some point in the writing process. For over 15 years I've stuck to my guns on that rule. I have to deeply feel every song I write and this rule helps make certain that no unfelt song gets through the cracks! Even on a song about losing feeling and touch.

Much Love, Ryan

LYRICS

TOUCH

when will i feel this as vivid as it truly is, fall in love in a single touch, and fall apart when it hurts too much?

can we skip past near-death clichés where my heart restarts, as my life replays? all i want is to flip a switch before something breaks that cannot be fixed.

i know, i know- the sirens sound just before the walls come down. pain is a well-intentioned weatherman predicting God as best he can, but God i want to feel again.

rain or shine, i don’t feel a thing, just some information upon my skin. i miss the subtle aches when the weather changed, the barometric pressure we always blamed.

all i want is to flip a switch before something breaks that cannot be fixed.

invisible machinery, these moving parts inside of me well, they’ve been shutting down for quite some time, leaving only rust behind.

well i know, i know- the sirens sound just before the walls come down. pain is a well-intentioned weatherman predicting God as best he can, but God i want to feel again, oh God i want to feel again.

down my arms, a thousand satellites suddenly discover signs of life.

"Daughter"

"Daughter" (iTunes) is the 4th song (of 25) in my Atlas: Year Two project. As I mentioned in the “how it was made” post for Son, the length of Daughter and Son are identical: 4:04. These two sibling songs represent two sides of the gender spectrum, so I figured since all are equal (gender, race, equality, religion, etc.) I should make certain that these two songs shared the exact same length. Son represents the male gender with use of Brass instruments, and Daughter represents the female gender with use of String instruments.

Though each of the 25 Atlas: Year Two songs are being released as singles, there are five themes that I’m exploring in the writing of these songs: Life, Senses, Emotions, Intelligence and Enneagram. (Read more about these themes here.) With the release of Daughter, the “Life” EP is now complete! There’s a narrative thread between these first four Life songs that relate to one another:

• "Overture II” sets the stage and represents new life forming inside the Womb. • “Life” is about birth, representing Newborn life. • “Son” is about building up the strength to stand up, representing Infant life. • “Daughter” is about finding the balance and courage to walk forward, representing Toddler life.

The thread that ties these four songs together is the development of a human being from the womb to their first steps. Though each of those songs tell their own individual story, as a new dad, I couldn’t help but reference and document our almost-one-year-old daughter Lily's development as well!

I began writing Daughter a couple months before our daughter was born. I’ve written a handful of songs from the perspective of a parent (before I even became one myself), but Daughter was the first song I wrote after finding out Lily’s gender. So though I’ve written songs for my future children, Daughter was the first song written just for Lily.

There are two pianos playing simultaneously in the beginning of the song (and throughout)- one is an upright piano that my dear friend Alex gave me as a gift right around the time Lily was born, and the other is a grand piano (my first!) which I purchased a few months later. Since Lily was born, playing the piano together has been one of my favorite things. First I held her in one arm and with the other, played her songs on my upright piano. As she grew a little, I got my grand piano and she’d sit on my lap and play along too. So when I recorded this song, I knew that both of those pianos we played together had to be a part of this recording!

From the womb and onwards, Lily has been surrounded by music and always interacts with it in some way- first with awesome interpretive hand movements and now, full on dances and jam sessions. But my absolute favorite thing is when she visits me in my studio and I play her back a new song through my studio speakers. She first lights up and smiles and then makes a very serious face and sings along! She’s been doing that since she was only a few months old and it is the greatest reaction to my music I can imagine. So when it was time to record my vocals for this song, I held Lily as I sang my takes, to remind me of who this song is for. It’s not loud, but if you listen closely, you can hear some of Lily’s contributions in the background of my vocal recording!

I’m a fan of sappy stuff. Though I always try to keep a close watch on being overly-sappy in my songs (gotta keep sappy special by keeping it in check!)- I knew before I wrote Daughter that it would be impossible. My hope is that this song, sap and all, gets filed in the “heartfelt” category more than anything. It was written as a letter to my Daughter, a reminder for her that she is capable of anything.

"our ceiling is your floor, and all you gotta do is put one foot in front of you”

I had a brief conversation with a friend of mine, David Dark who shared some encouraging words about becoming a parent. He told me that our parent's ceiling is our floor, and our ceiling will become our children's floor, meaning that our very best is a mere starting place for our children. I think it’s true and it meant a lot to me to hear in the short days leading up to my daughter’s birth.

“the forests grew a little greener”

As a sweet gift to Lily, my parents gave her a young Maple Tree to plant in our yard in Lily’s honor - a beautiful and thoughtful gift that will grow as she grows. So the above lyric is a little reference to Lily’s Maple tree.

I knew right away that my friend and frequent collaborator, Sharon Gerber needed to play Cello on this song. She recorded her Cello in her studio in Greenville, South Carolina and emailed me the results and I was instantly blown away by her performances (as always!). Her Cellos add so much depth and heart to the song. (As an amazing mom of three daughter’s herself, it’s no wonder!) I’m so grateful for her gorgeous contribution to this song. (Check out Sharon’s music here!)

Lastly, but absolutely not least-ly, I invited my friend, Joanna Hui who lives in Chicago to come by my studio and record Violins. She first heard the song on the short drive to my studio and without warning I threw dozens of melody ideas at her and she played/recorded each one so beautifully and soulfully! So the many Violins you hear throughout the song were the results of a lovely evening of off-the-cuff recording! Side note: In addition to having played several shows with me, Joanna and her sister, Jessica played strings in my Yearbook song “Watermark.” (Check out Joanna’s Grace In Style Blog here!)

I’m so honored to get to share some of the heart and ideas behind each of these songs and can’t thank you enough for reading!

Much Love, Ryan

Lyrics:

DAUGHTER

if only you knew- the sunlight shines a little brighter, the weight of the world's a little lighter, the stars lean in a little closer all because of you.

i want to see you lift your chin a little higher, open your eyes a little wider, speak your mind a little louder, 'cause you are royalty.

this is your kingdom, this is your crown, this is your story. this is your moment, don't look down..

you're ready, born ready. and all you gotta do is put one foot in front of you. our ceiling is your floor, and all you gotta do is put one foot in front of you, if only you knew.

if only you knew- the forests grew a little greener, the roots reach in little deeper, the birds all sing a little sweeter, all to welcome you.

I want to see your happily ever after, that you know in your heart that you matter, that you are royalty.

this is your kingdom, this is your crown, this is your story. this is your moment, don't look down.

you're ready. born ready, and all you gotta do is put one foot in front of you. our ceiling is your floor, and all you gotta do is put one foot in front of you.

you're ready. born ready, and all you gotta do is put one foot in front of you. our ceiling is your floor, and all you gotta do is put one foot in front of you. if only you knew

this is your kingdom, this is your crown, this is your story. this is your moment, don't look down.

Atlas: Year Two (A Visual Guide)

Atlas: Year Two is a collection of 25 songs, each released as they are ready. To help keep track, I thought it'd be neat to have a "map" that can tell you which songs are out now, and what's coming up next - all at a glance. Each song is represented by a shape. A yellow shape is the most recently released song, white shapes are the songs that were released already, and the blank spaces/numbers are the songs yet to be released. I teamed up with my talented designer pal Tim Damitz who turned the idea into a real thing. Take a look at the enlarged version by clicking on this image:

To learn more detail about the themes explored in Atlas: Year Two, click here. Or subscribe to the music here.

Love, Ryan - Sleeping At Last

"Son"

"Son" is the 3rd song (of 25) in the Atlas: Year Two series. (iTunes) It took quite a while for the pieces to fall into place on this song. But once they did, "Son" quickly became one of the most personal songs I’ve ever written. It’s rare when a song comes together easily, but this song felt particularly difficult to pull into focus. As I began to write, I couldn’t decide what this song should be about. Father/Son relationships? Masculinity? The origins of Mankind? Male “Initiation” traditions? After I read, watched and researched these concepts in various forms, it became clear that this song needed to be about a lot of things (which I’ll detail below), but mostly it needed to be about me figuring out who I am.

The first lyric came together fairly quickly, and postures the entire song into a prayer of sorts:

“Show me who I am and who I could be.”

Once I realized this song needed to be about my story of figuring out who I am, I thought it’d be a fairly simple song to write. No research needed to tell that story, I thought. Of course, I was wrong. As it turns out, I haven’t really spent a lot of conscious time asking myself that question: Who am I? And this song definitely provides more questions than answers, but it was very difficult to put it all into words. In the end, I think writing this song was a form of therapy for me- I came out the other side a little better for it.

"i’ll run the risk of being intimate with brokenness. through this magnifying glass, i see a thousand finger prints on the surfaces of who i am."

After staring at blank pages for weeks on end, I began thinking about the different mentors that have helped shape and initiate me into who I am up to this point. I found myself amazed thinking through the kindness it takes to come alongside another person younger than yourself, to offer wisdom and experience for no reason other than to help. It’s really beautiful to take someone under your wing like that, in spite of the risk of being exposed to other's baggage and brokenness. Aside from being inspired by the impact that each of these dudes have had on me, I thought it’d be a nice way to honor them by subtle but specific nods to them in the song. I texted several of them and asked “What are your 3 favorite words?” - in less than 24 hours each of them sent me their favorite 3. At least one word from each of them was woven into this song, which serves as a reminder to me of the many, many “fingerprints” that I have been so privileged to receive on my life so far- that have each helped me up, onto my own two feet.

I won’t go into detail on each of those nods (there are about 10 of them,) but I will share a couple. The mention of the “magnifying glass” honors my friend, Bob Goff. Earlier this year, I mentioned to him that I was feeling a little tired and less present in my life than I wanted to be feeling. He recommended that I carry around a magnifying glass, and each day study and remember my daughter’s fingerprints. Shortly after, I received a magnifying glass in the mail from Bob, and ever since I’ve begun a little collection of magnifying glasses - reminders to look a little closer at the world around me.

My friend (and life-shaper), Chris Heuertz recently gave me a Tibetan Singing Bowl as a gift. If you listen closely, you’ll hear it being played on a couple occasions throughout the song.

Since “Son” and the upcoming Atlas song “Daughter” are sibling songs, I had a lot of fun playing off one another. Both share an identical length, each: 4:04 long. (gender equality, of course!) They share a very similar song structure too, from the intro piano arpeggio to the overall blueprint of the song. Both songs have a thread of Piano in them (which I like to think of as the DNA of each song) but with different primary instrumentation. French Horns (Brass) Instruments to represent dudes in “Son” and Violins and Cellos (Strings) to represent gals in “Daughter.”

Speaking of Brass, I had my new friend Sarah Reno record all of those gorgeous French Horns you hear! She’s absolutely amazing - I sent her a synth version of my arrangement and a few days later, I received a gorgeous Brass (1-person) orchestra that breathes so much life into this song! Can’t wait to do more with Sarah soon! Check out Sarah’s music here, or hire her for your next project!

"the mercury keeps rising,’til the glass or my fever breaks.”

My Atlas: Year One song “Mercury” is my only other song in which I feature Brass as the primary instrumentation of the song. So the lyric above, nods to that song. It also refers to the mercury used in old thermometers.

Since this a song under the umbrella theme of Life, I thought it’d be fun to try to reference each of the 4 primary Vital Signs into this song. Here’s where/how they appear in the lyrics:

    • Heart Rate:   "initiate the heart within me 'til it opens properly."

    • Body temperature:   "the mercury keeps rising,’til the glass or my fever breaks."

    • Respiration Rate:   "i'll try, try, try to breathe ’til it turns to muscle memory."

    • Blood pressure:   "i feel the pressure in my blood, building up and liberating me."

I don’t know why I get such a kick out of creating those puzzles for myself in songwriting.. but I do. Easter Eggs are one of my favorite parts of writing and recording music!

Once the song was finally complete (felt like it took 32 years to write), I sent it over to Seattle to be mixed by my long-time friend and collaborator, John Goodmanson. He did a beautiful job, and it then landed into the inbox of Jason Ward, an incredible mastering engineer in Chicago.

The song ends with a bookend of the opening lyric: “Show me who I am and who I could be” because I think that’ll be a request I’ll be praying until my very last day.

Love, Ryan

Lyrics:

SON

show me who i am and who i could be. initiate the heart within me until it opens properly.

slow down, start again from the beginning. i can’t keep my head from spinning out of control. is this what being vulnerable feels like?

i swear i'll try, try, try to breathe ’til it turns to muscle memory. i'm only steady on my knees; one day i'll stand up on my own two feet.

i’ll run the risk of being intimate with brokenness. through this magnifying glass, i see a thousand finger prints on the surfaces of who i am.

show me where to find the silver lining as the mercury keeps rising, ’til the glass or my fever breaks.

show me how to struggle gracefully. let the scaffolding inside of me be strong enough to hold this tired body up once more.

and i will try, try, try to breathe ’til it turns to muscle memory. i feel the pressure in my blood building up and liberating me. so i will try, try, try to breathe ’til it turns to muscle memory. i'm only steady on my knees. but one day, i'll stand on my own two feet.

i'll run the risk of being intimate with brokenness. through this magnifying glass, i see a thousand finger prints

that ran the risk of being intimate with my brokenness. i was given a gift of hope in a thousand finger prints on the surface of who i am.